Mason.

Name: Mason.
(Beard) Age: 5 weeks. It grows fast.
Do you miss your chin? No.
Beard grooming routine: No tips, sorry.

There I was chowing on some leftover risotto in the lunchtime sunshine when I spotted Mason skulking past. Unfortunately I didn’t get long to chat to the lovely Mason as he was in rather a rush. It was only as he was walking away that I saw the brown paper sandwich bag in his hands. What a fool I am. I’m guessing, given the set of circumstances, that Mason had just purchased himself a sour dough brie and cranberry sanger. Picture if you will the 30 degree heat and what’s happening to that brie as a short English girl wielding a camera is probing you about your chin fuzz. Mmmm melty brie, you might think. But alas! For the bearded folk, melted cheese is a lunchtime horror show, resulting in what is commonly known as ‘cheese lip’, whose scent cannot be shaken until next shampoo.

So next time a bearded gent jostles past you, bear in mind his soggy brie and free his cheese lip. Except if it’s winter; then the lad clearly has no manners.

Chris.

Name: Chris.
(Beard) Age: 5 years. 
Do you miss your chin? No, I have a baby face so this helps out.
Beard grooming routine: None, because essentially my beard is borne out of laziness. Don’t put that on your blog though. (Oops.)

Chris here demonstrates that as a beard spotter, you can never have down-time; it’s a life-long commitment to finding the hairly-blessed. As I lay soaking up the rays at Wilson’s Promontory this weekend, I noticed the slight eclipse of the sun which occurs when a beard silhouette passes by. So off I went hurtling down the beach, making sure everything stayed in the bikini and camera stayed in hand.

And thank heavens I caught him, because Chris is an all-terrain grower if even I saw one. Look at that rucksack, no doubt full of abseil ropes and barometers, that functional belt, the windswept appearance and the way he cups his camera like a baby bird, rescued from a cliff face. Chris was actually shooting Squeaky Beach for postcards for ABC, which is quite interesting, although clearly, nature’s finest wonders are not in the nature reserve, but on the faces of it’s follicled visitors.

Ben 2.

Name: Ben. Or David. Or Geezer. 
(Beard) Age: 2 weeks. I was formerly an ape.
Do you miss your chin? No, we didn’t get on. He was always hitting me and we could barely live together. This is the only way we can put up with one another. 
Beard grooming routine: Don’t touch it. Otherwise you end up looking too coiffed. 

Now Ben isn’t really doing the old ‘never trust a bearded man’ thing too many favours what with having three aliases. However! I met him and can vouch for the fact that each and every one of his personalities is honorable and worthy of trust. Better still is that Ben had imbibed a couple of drinks and was having a lovely bouncy time dancing around the bar we found ourselves in.

Ben lives in Perth, but originates from Somerset; for those of you who don’t know Somerset, it’s essentially the hairy-faced motherland of the beard. This grower doesn’t just create things from his face, he’s also a chef and is opening a sort of gastro Brit-cuisine restaurant in Perth called Stables (unfortunate name choice for British food at the moment, but that will all blow over soon I’m sure..). I reckon you should go if you’re in town. Mainly because I bossily grabbed Ben’s noted menu and made him add jam roly poly to the desserts. Apparently it’s staying.

Andrew.

Name: Andrew
(Beard) Age: 2-3 years.
Do you miss your chin? No, this helps me out. It’s the family curse to have a double chin. 
Beard grooming routine: Oh, you have to shampoo. Not so much condition, but shampoo, every other day. 

Here we have the second grower in a row whose chin-piece hides what lurks beneath. I nodded sympathetically as Andrew mentioned his genetic jawline, knowing full well I’d been sat up at 1am the night before, trawling through all 1,029 of  my Facebook pictures to find out when my own jowls had slackened (2009). I told Andrew I wish I could grow a beard too…

Anyway, on that belter, I parted company with Andrew and sat back down with my lunch companions a few feet away. Whilst they happily chattered on, I suddenly became incredibly distracted by Andrew’s shoes. Holy moly, this guy had dream boots on! Brown, leather, a bit of a buckle… And there like an asteroid out of space, the realisation hit me on the chin(s), bearded men have excellent taste in footwear. I bet you can spot some follicles with fancy footwork on your lunch break today.

Tracker’s Tips No.3

What we see here ladies and gents is no normal bakery. This is a beardery; where you are sure to find upper crust beards, albeit with some whole wheat crumbs around the chops. The clincher being the array of ‘bidynamic’, ‘sprouted seed’ and ‘rye’ variations of the standard loaf. Bearded folk are so well-discoursed in the ins and outs of the food chain, they just cannot resist a bit of artisan bake alongside their smashed avo’. Grab yourself a pat of sea-salted butter and lie in wait.

 

Gene.

Name: Gene
(Beard) Age: 3 months. I had a 3 year old before this one, which I shaved off leaving only mutton chops, but work weren’t so keen. They’re more favourable of the full beard.
Do you miss your chin? No, I always have a beard. And I have a 9cm scar on my chin from a cycling accident, the beard hides it well.
Beard grooming routine: In the winter, beeswax is nice for styling the moustache, its a good texture and it doesn’t smell. But not in the summer, it melts. 

Gene’s symbiotic relationship with his beard fulfils a dual purpose here: firstly making him look like one cool dude, and secondly hiding his past. I held a ruler up to my face and 9cm is quite a big scar. Gene, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with scars, more that there’s everything right with beards.

Gene is clearly well-into bikes. I think those little hats are meant stop sweat dripping onto your face fur when you’re cycling. Gene’s not alone in his velo-love (see what I did there!), beards and bikes go together like Torvill and Dean. As in gracefully and they look good in Lycra.

Lauchie.

Name: Lauchie
(Beard) Age: Around 1.5 to 2 years.
Do you miss your chin? (Well this was unprecedented wasn’t it! He has both a beard and a chin. I was ill-prepared for such a format, so went on ahead with the question regardless….) No, it’s right there.
Beard grooming routine: I don’t. (I think the trust boundaries had been breached at this point by the confusing chin question.)

When I clapped eyes on Lauchie, I just knew I had to have him for the blog. Only it wasn’t as simple as that. You see, I was carrying a cactus and couldn’t zoom one-handed on my camera, thus asking Lauchie to hold my cactus for me. At this point, Lauchie thought it was some weird Valentines’ proposal (the cactus was pink) and got a bit fidgety. I had to promise him the pink plant wasn’t in shot. Don’t worry Lauchie, it’s not you I love, it’s your face-ethics!

Anyway, the whole point of this stressful and socially awkward exercise was: whether you have a beard of your own, or your own beard, give it a pat this Valentines.

Josh.

Name: Josh
(Beard) Age:  8 months
Do you miss your chin? I do. Sometimes I go routing in there to make sure I’ve still got it.
Beard grooming routine: Well anti-dandruff shampoo is important. Also, a massage, essential oils, scented candles, it’s good to have some indulgent time with your beard. Treat it. 

Well, if Josh isn’t method acting for a role as Robinson Crusoe, then Daniel Defoe needs to hunt him down and write a sequel. (Actually, Wikipedia now tells me he did. Josh wasn’t in it either..) Isn’t Josh the intrepid explorer! And will you just look at that bush. Who knows what tropical creatures lurk in there? What we do know, is that if Josh were housing them, they’d be a friendly bunch of critters.

Josh brings to our attention that a beard is, essentially, a gift to one’s own face; it’s good to indulge it and wallow in your own hairiness from time to time. Let’s face it gents, there are many occasions when it would simply be easier to not have a beard, but you’re a bunch of troopers storming on with the chinless crusade. Give yourself a night off, light a scented candle and like Josh, have a little pat.

Fraser.

Name: Fraser.
(Beard) Age: The chops are two months, and the rest a month. It’s still so young. I’m flattered you asked me. 
Do you miss your chin? No. Sometimes I see a clean shaven chin and I do feel jealous, but ultimately I know it’s not for me. 
Beard grooming routine: Not at all. I don’t do any of that shampooing or conditioning. I do an occasional comb, but it’s early days, it’s fine. 

Apparently my opening gambit with Fraser was ‘I’ve been watching you from afar..’ though I’m normally so entranced with beard-excitement that I don’t remember how I begin these conversations. Anyway, I don’t mince my words, I had been watching from afar. That’s because Fraser had pitched up in a secluded corner of the local park to practise his juggling and tightrope walking, the same corner in which I hide and lay in wait of such growers. Sure, Fraser is still in Phase One of his growth, but I identified his bearded mindset as he flung his multi-coloured clubs and balanced on ribbon between the trees. He was a lovely chap and whole-heartedly behind the idea of this social and cultural project, even commenting on how refreshing he found it (it’s always incredible how quickly you can go from being a total creep asking a guy for his picture, to being a respected sociologist..).

Fraser shared a nugget of pure beard-gold with us, introducing the Daily Beard to Japanese Beard Modelling, where a beard is a prized facial feature (obviously) and will command a high fee promoting products “like beer”. What are you waiting for gents? Get to Japan pronto and let’s all get mad-rich off those chin-pieces.

Matt.

Name: Matt
(Beard) Age: 2 years. My ex wanted me to shave it. I could have killed her.
Do you miss your chin? No.
Beard grooming routine: Moroccan oil! My house mate had some, and I thought it was face wash and was like ‘er this is a bit slimey’, but then it did incredible things to my beard! It was so soft and sort of looked a bit, you know, Viking. I suppose I could use it in my hair next time too. Aside from that I think it’s really important to trim the bit around the mouth. You don’t want any overhang onto your lip. That looks dirty. 

I’ll come clean. It’d been a pretty dry couple of days in terms of capturing beard. I don’t know what happened, I simply lost what those vile moustache-hunters call ‘mo-jo’ but what us bearders call bo-jo. I even lingered around the soy snacks in the local independent supermarket and didn’t pluck up the courage. I lost sight of the fact that bearded men are a lovely people and it is a-ok to march right on up to them and demand their picture. After a text message from a friend which read ‘Get back on the beard train pls. THINK OF YOUR FANS’ and a couple of glasses of goon in the park, I knew it was time get back in the game and dragged a friend along to Collingwood’s densest fur-ground.

And so now I bring you wonderful Matt from the People’s Market. Matt is not only a talented dude for being involved with the cool-as-cucumber Wunce Mag, but he is a pedagog amongst beards. Moroccan oil! That shit is priceless. My bearded pal and Matt then really got excited and shared some excellent tips, but the focus had shifted from me so I reigned it back in. Matt, thank you for reminding me how much fun chatting to your kinfolk is, from henceforth you shall be known as People’s Matt of the People’s Market.