Zane.

Name: Zane.
(Beard) Age: Two months.
Do you miss your chin? I miss having a clean face. Yeah, I miss my chin. 
Beard grooming routine: No, just let it grow.

You may have noticed I’ve not been updating recently. Sure, Simon needed some getting over, but that wasn’t the sole reason for the bald patch. Guys, the thing is, Mercury has been in retrograde. I’m three classes into my new yoga life, and three classes is enough to trust your instructor when she tells you that until March 18th you must observe, but not act, you must reflect but not start anything new. Basically, it’s been a free pass to laziness and an opportunity to watch beards from afar, collecting notes until Mercury gets on his jolly way again. So as of today, I’m back in action and first stop was the lovely Zane!

Isn’t he a healthy specimen! Zane here is a courier, and although I really wanted to ask him about that computer gadget on the table next to him, in the name of the blog I kept things follicle focused. Zane says that it’s quite possible his beard slows his daily work zipping around the city, but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make to live the beardy life. Hear, hear Zane! Leave life in the fast lane for the baby-faced. If you’ve got it, grow it.

Simon.

Name: Simon.
(Beard) Age: This one is a month.
Do you miss your chin? No. Not at all.
Beard grooming routine: I just trim the moustache to keep it away from my mouth. The wine tastes better that way. 

Today, four Yarra valley winery tastings in, I discovered Simon at the back of a cask room. Simon is a wine maker at Oakridge…and what a fine vintage he is. His beard had an aroma of damsons, leather and vanilla with a faint note of oak. I don’t know about his palate.

It was harvesting time at the vineyard, so after a behind the scenes tour we left the lads to it. Only, we didn’t exit the yard so smoothly. Distracting the car-full of beard admirers by passing my camera around zoomed into the above capture’s chin fur, the driver scratched the car down a metal cask cradle, to the hilarity of the watching wine makers. The lesson here is don’t beard spot and drive.

Chris.

Name: Chris.
(Beard) Age: 5 years. 
Do you miss your chin? No, I have a baby face so this helps out.
Beard grooming routine: None, because essentially my beard is borne out of laziness. Don’t put that on your blog though. (Oops.)

Chris here demonstrates that as a beard spotter, you can never have down-time; it’s a life-long commitment to finding the hairly-blessed. As I lay soaking up the rays at Wilson’s Promontory this weekend, I noticed the slight eclipse of the sun which occurs when a beard silhouette passes by. So off I went hurtling down the beach, making sure everything stayed in the bikini and camera stayed in hand.

And thank heavens I caught him, because Chris is an all-terrain grower if even I saw one. Look at that rucksack, no doubt full of abseil ropes and barometers, that functional belt, the windswept appearance and the way he cups his camera like a baby bird, rescued from a cliff face. Chris was actually shooting Squeaky Beach for postcards for ABC, which is quite interesting, although clearly, nature’s finest wonders are not in the nature reserve, but on the faces of it’s follicled visitors.

Ben 2.

Name: Ben. Or David. Or Geezer. 
(Beard) Age: 2 weeks. I was formerly an ape.
Do you miss your chin? No, we didn’t get on. He was always hitting me and we could barely live together. This is the only way we can put up with one another. 
Beard grooming routine: Don’t touch it. Otherwise you end up looking too coiffed. 

Now Ben isn’t really doing the old ‘never trust a bearded man’ thing too many favours what with having three aliases. However! I met him and can vouch for the fact that each and every one of his personalities is honorable and worthy of trust. Better still is that Ben had imbibed a couple of drinks and was having a lovely bouncy time dancing around the bar we found ourselves in.

Ben lives in Perth, but originates from Somerset; for those of you who don’t know Somerset, it’s essentially the hairy-faced motherland of the beard. This grower doesn’t just create things from his face, he’s also a chef and is opening a sort of gastro Brit-cuisine restaurant in Perth called Stables (unfortunate name choice for British food at the moment, but that will all blow over soon I’m sure..). I reckon you should go if you’re in town. Mainly because I bossily grabbed Ben’s noted menu and made him add jam roly poly to the desserts. Apparently it’s staying.

Andrew.

Name: Andrew
(Beard) Age: 2-3 years.
Do you miss your chin? No, this helps me out. It’s the family curse to have a double chin. 
Beard grooming routine: Oh, you have to shampoo. Not so much condition, but shampoo, every other day. 

Here we have the second grower in a row whose chin-piece hides what lurks beneath. I nodded sympathetically as Andrew mentioned his genetic jawline, knowing full well I’d been sat up at 1am the night before, trawling through all 1,029 of  my Facebook pictures to find out when my own jowls had slackened (2009). I told Andrew I wish I could grow a beard too…

Anyway, on that belter, I parted company with Andrew and sat back down with my lunch companions a few feet away. Whilst they happily chattered on, I suddenly became incredibly distracted by Andrew’s shoes. Holy moly, this guy had dream boots on! Brown, leather, a bit of a buckle… And there like an asteroid out of space, the realisation hit me on the chin(s), bearded men have excellent taste in footwear. I bet you can spot some follicles with fancy footwork on your lunch break today.

Gene.

Name: Gene
(Beard) Age: 3 months. I had a 3 year old before this one, which I shaved off leaving only mutton chops, but work weren’t so keen. They’re more favourable of the full beard.
Do you miss your chin? No, I always have a beard. And I have a 9cm scar on my chin from a cycling accident, the beard hides it well.
Beard grooming routine: In the winter, beeswax is nice for styling the moustache, its a good texture and it doesn’t smell. But not in the summer, it melts. 

Gene’s symbiotic relationship with his beard fulfils a dual purpose here: firstly making him look like one cool dude, and secondly hiding his past. I held a ruler up to my face and 9cm is quite a big scar. Gene, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with scars, more that there’s everything right with beards.

Gene is clearly well-into bikes. I think those little hats are meant stop sweat dripping onto your face fur when you’re cycling. Gene’s not alone in his velo-love (see what I did there!), beards and bikes go together like Torvill and Dean. As in gracefully and they look good in Lycra.

Fraser.

Name: Fraser.
(Beard) Age: The chops are two months, and the rest a month. It’s still so young. I’m flattered you asked me. 
Do you miss your chin? No. Sometimes I see a clean shaven chin and I do feel jealous, but ultimately I know it’s not for me. 
Beard grooming routine: Not at all. I don’t do any of that shampooing or conditioning. I do an occasional comb, but it’s early days, it’s fine. 

Apparently my opening gambit with Fraser was ‘I’ve been watching you from afar..’ though I’m normally so entranced with beard-excitement that I don’t remember how I begin these conversations. Anyway, I don’t mince my words, I had been watching from afar. That’s because Fraser had pitched up in a secluded corner of the local park to practise his juggling and tightrope walking, the same corner in which I hide and lay in wait of such growers. Sure, Fraser is still in Phase One of his growth, but I identified his bearded mindset as he flung his multi-coloured clubs and balanced on ribbon between the trees. He was a lovely chap and whole-heartedly behind the idea of this social and cultural project, even commenting on how refreshing he found it (it’s always incredible how quickly you can go from being a total creep asking a guy for his picture, to being a respected sociologist..).

Fraser shared a nugget of pure beard-gold with us, introducing the Daily Beard to Japanese Beard Modelling, where a beard is a prized facial feature (obviously) and will command a high fee promoting products “like beer”. What are you waiting for gents? Get to Japan pronto and let’s all get mad-rich off those chin-pieces.

Matt.

Name: Matt
(Beard) Age: 2 years. My ex wanted me to shave it. I could have killed her.
Do you miss your chin? No.
Beard grooming routine: Moroccan oil! My house mate had some, and I thought it was face wash and was like ‘er this is a bit slimey’, but then it did incredible things to my beard! It was so soft and sort of looked a bit, you know, Viking. I suppose I could use it in my hair next time too. Aside from that I think it’s really important to trim the bit around the mouth. You don’t want any overhang onto your lip. That looks dirty. 

I’ll come clean. It’d been a pretty dry couple of days in terms of capturing beard. I don’t know what happened, I simply lost what those vile moustache-hunters call ‘mo-jo’ but what us bearders call bo-jo. I even lingered around the soy snacks in the local independent supermarket and didn’t pluck up the courage. I lost sight of the fact that bearded men are a lovely people and it is a-ok to march right on up to them and demand their picture. After a text message from a friend which read ‘Get back on the beard train pls. THINK OF YOUR FANS’ and a couple of glasses of goon in the park, I knew it was time get back in the game and dragged a friend along to Collingwood’s densest fur-ground.

And so now I bring you wonderful Matt from the People’s Market. Matt is not only a talented dude for being involved with the cool-as-cucumber Wunce Mag, but he is a pedagog amongst beards. Moroccan oil! That shit is priceless. My bearded pal and Matt then really got excited and shared some excellent tips, but the focus had shifted from me so I reigned it back in. Matt, thank you for reminding me how much fun chatting to your kinfolk is, from henceforth you shall be known as People’s Matt of the People’s Market.

Ben.

Name: Ben
(Beard) Age: 12 months.
Do you miss your chin? Yes. But I can’t shave, my girlfriend won’t let me. She’s never seen me without a beard and she likes it.  
Beard grooming routine: I don’t have any tips, but I would like some.

This wonderful gent was the first grower I’ve approached who’s told me I was a little bit creepy. Oh Ben, if only you knew the half of it. That aside, he was quite lovely and a little bit embarrassed to be having a camera shoved in his growth, when all he wanted was a nice sip of pre-mix G&T (golly, don’t bearded folk love their gin!).

Ben’s girlfriend seems to be the reliable sort too, she can see Ben for far more than his chin. Ben, may I bring to your attention Samson? Sure, he got a sweaty neck in the heat with all that hair hanging about and his shampoo bill was astronomical. But without it, he died an incredibly painful and slow death. Don’t shave! There’s strength in those follicles.

Dom.

Name: Dom
(Beard) Age: 4 months at current shape, but there’s been stuff going on for 10 years.
Do you miss your chin? I don’t have a chin. 
Beard grooming routine: No to grooming. I definitely do not straighten this beard.

This weekend I went along to Footscray’s Annual Beard Party. The tickets were a little pricey, but some of the guys had got some lovely bands to come down which jollied things along nicely. As you’d imagine, I met some cracking beard; Dom here being a fine example. I don’t mind telling you that for an enthusiast, this function was a little over-whelming and for much of it I focused on trying to get photos of bats above the stage Bat for Lashes were playing on. (It was a long day, there were beverages on hand and at the time I thought this would be both whimsical and clever…)

Anyway, more about Dom and that stuff on his cheeks. Isn’t it lovely! What that beard and terrific smile actually hide is a very sad story, which Dom’s friends enthusiastically leapt in to regale me with. Dom here was born without a chin, and until he was old enough to grow a beard he was at the receiving end of some terrible bullying. Quite possibly by said friends. More importantly, Dom’s plight highlights that beards can function on so many levels. This chin-piece has allowed Dom to go about a near-normal existence. Now that’s courage on the face of adversity.