Lauchie.

Name: Lauchie
(Beard) Age: Around 1.5 to 2 years.
Do you miss your chin? (Well this was unprecedented wasn’t it! He has both a beard and a chin. I was ill-prepared for such a format, so went on ahead with the question regardless….) No, it’s right there.
Beard grooming routine: I don’t. (I think the trust boundaries had been breached at this point by the confusing chin question.)

When I clapped eyes on Lauchie, I just knew I had to have him for the blog. Only it wasn’t as simple as that. You see, I was carrying a cactus and couldn’t zoom one-handed on my camera, thus asking Lauchie to hold my cactus for me. At this point, Lauchie thought it was some weird Valentines’ proposal (the cactus was pink) and got a bit fidgety. I had to promise him the pink plant wasn’t in shot. Don’t worry Lauchie, it’s not you I love, it’s your face-ethics!

Anyway, the whole point of this stressful and socially awkward exercise was: whether you have a beard of your own, or your own beard, give it a pat this Valentines.

Josh.

Name: Josh
(Beard) Age:  8 months
Do you miss your chin? I do. Sometimes I go routing in there to make sure I’ve still got it.
Beard grooming routine: Well anti-dandruff shampoo is important. Also, a massage, essential oils, scented candles, it’s good to have some indulgent time with your beard. Treat it. 

Well, if Josh isn’t method acting for a role as Robinson Crusoe, then Daniel Defoe needs to hunt him down and write a sequel. (Actually, Wikipedia now tells me he did. Josh wasn’t in it either..) Isn’t Josh the intrepid explorer! And will you just look at that bush. Who knows what tropical creatures lurk in there? What we do know, is that if Josh were housing them, they’d be a friendly bunch of critters.

Josh brings to our attention that a beard is, essentially, a gift to one’s own face; it’s good to indulge it and wallow in your own hairiness from time to time. Let’s face it gents, there are many occasions when it would simply be easier to not have a beard, but you’re a bunch of troopers storming on with the chinless crusade. Give yourself a night off, light a scented candle and like Josh, have a little pat.

Jamie.

Name: Jamie
(Beard) Age: Born with it.
Do you miss your chin? Can’t even remember what a chin is.
Beard grooming routine: None.

Ladies and gents, what we have here is the site’s first Integrity Beard. These growers are a fascinating subset with true focus and a dedication to the life of bearding. Often referred to as ‘Organic growers’ or even ”Heirloomers’, they sniff at a the recent resurgence of sprouting chins. These guys do it Stonehenge style. Look into Jamie’s eyes and you will see the tedium with which he regards my childish enthusiasm for beards. And of course, as with any Integrity Beard, a grooming routine is a laughable concept. I felt like a dick for asking. This isn’t fashion, this is a mindset.

It’s very  likely that Jamie will never see his chin again.

Alfredo.

Name: Alfredo
(Beard) Age: One month….it’s very fast growing.
Do you miss your chin? No!
Beard grooming routine: No rules. Just do it. 

I’ve encountered huge swathes of prejudice against covered-cheeked men in the 78 hours since Daily Beard was born. It seems the Great Unbearded so oft take the standpoint of ‘never trust a bearded man’. What folly! Must I remind you that it was not a beard that Hitler chose to make his face-statement with?

Thankfully I don’t have to resort to Hitler chat, because instead I have the wonderful Alfredo here to restore the warm, hairy glow. No need to be afraid-o when Alfredo is around; for what a gemstone he was. Look into those eyes and remember that beards belong on Santas, not Hitlers.

*It hasn’t escaped my beardar that Harold Shipman was indeed a grower. But I am 73% sure that he had a real care-giving phase before he went and got all mass murder-y.