Josh.

Name: Josh
(Beard) Age:  8 months
Do you miss your chin? I do. Sometimes I go routing in there to make sure I’ve still got it.
Beard grooming routine: Well anti-dandruff shampoo is important. Also, a massage, essential oils, scented candles, it’s good to have some indulgent time with your beard. Treat it. 

Well, if Josh isn’t method acting for a role as Robinson Crusoe, then Daniel Defoe needs to hunt him down and write a sequel. (Actually, Wikipedia now tells me he did. Josh wasn’t in it either..) Isn’t Josh the intrepid explorer! And will you just look at that bush. Who knows what tropical creatures lurk in there? What we do know, is that if Josh were housing them, they’d be a friendly bunch of critters.

Josh brings to our attention that a beard is, essentially, a gift to one’s own face; it’s good to indulge it and wallow in your own hairiness from time to time. Let’s face it gents, there are many occasions when it would simply be easier to not have a beard, but you’re a bunch of troopers storming on with the chinless crusade. Give yourself a night off, light a scented candle and like Josh, have a little pat.

Dom.

Name: Dom
(Beard) Age: 4 months at current shape, but there’s been stuff going on for 10 years.
Do you miss your chin? I don’t have a chin. 
Beard grooming routine: No to grooming. I definitely do not straighten this beard.

This weekend I went along to Footscray’s Annual Beard Party. The tickets were a little pricey, but some of the guys had got some lovely bands to come down which jollied things along nicely. As you’d imagine, I met some cracking beard; Dom here being a fine example. I don’t mind telling you that for an enthusiast, this function was a little over-whelming and for much of it I focused on trying to get photos of bats above the stage Bat for Lashes were playing on. (It was a long day, there were beverages on hand and at the time I thought this would be both whimsical and clever…)

Anyway, more about Dom and that stuff on his cheeks. Isn’t it lovely! What that beard and terrific smile actually hide is a very sad story, which Dom’s friends enthusiastically leapt in to regale me with. Dom here was born without a chin, and until he was old enough to grow a beard he was at the receiving end of some terrible bullying. Quite possibly by said friends. More importantly, Dom’s plight highlights that beards can function on so many levels. This chin-piece has allowed Dom to go about a near-normal existence. Now that’s courage on the face of adversity.

Jason.

Name: Jason
(Beard) Age: 2 years. Basically, ever since I went into an Indian restaurant and saw a Muslim man with a inspirational beard. It coincided with being likened to George Michael, so the timing felt right to try and grow a beard. Would you like to touch it? 
Do you miss your chin? I don’t miss my chin. It’s more the things I can’t eat I miss. Ice cream. It gets left in the beard.
Beard grooming routine: I shampoo occasionally and I pull out a couple of grey ones around my lip. 

This guy really takes the biscuit for being best beard-about-town; he is the first grower who has invited me to touch the goods. What we see in New Zealander Jason is a fantastically refreshing juxtaposition of trendoid and Integrity Beard. Jason teaches us the self-sacrifice involved in growing stuff from your face – despite looking like a guy who loves an ice cream (or at least a sorbet), Jason’s face-pledge means he can’t indulge in such treats. That, my friends, is akin to religion. Jason, in his Commes des Garcons and funky socks is actually a modern day monk. One that we would happily feed ice cream on a spoon.

Jamie.

Name: Jamie
(Beard) Age: Born with it.
Do you miss your chin? Can’t even remember what a chin is.
Beard grooming routine: None.

Ladies and gents, what we have here is the site’s first Integrity Beard. These growers are a fascinating subset with true focus and a dedication to the life of bearding. Often referred to as ‘Organic growers’ or even ”Heirloomers’, they sniff at a the recent resurgence of sprouting chins. These guys do it Stonehenge style. Look into Jamie’s eyes and you will see the tedium with which he regards my childish enthusiasm for beards. And of course, as with any Integrity Beard, a grooming routine is a laughable concept. I felt like a dick for asking. This isn’t fashion, this is a mindset.

It’s very  likely that Jamie will never see his chin again.