Zane.

Name: Zane.
(Beard) Age: Two months.
Do you miss your chin? I miss having a clean face. Yeah, I miss my chin. 
Beard grooming routine: No, just let it grow.

You may have noticed I’ve not been updating recently. Sure, Simon needed some getting over, but that wasn’t the sole reason for the bald patch. Guys, the thing is, Mercury has been in retrograde. I’m three classes into my new yoga life, and three classes is enough to trust your instructor when she tells you that until March 18th you must observe, but not act, you must reflect but not start anything new. Basically, it’s been a free pass to laziness and an opportunity to watch beards from afar, collecting notes until Mercury gets on his jolly way again. So as of today, I’m back in action and first stop was the lovely Zane!

Isn’t he a healthy specimen! Zane here is a courier, and although I really wanted to ask him about that computer gadget on the table next to him, in the name of the blog I kept things follicle focused. Zane says that it’s quite possible his beard slows his daily work zipping around the city, but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make to live the beardy life. Hear, hear Zane! Leave life in the fast lane for the baby-faced. If you’ve got it, grow it.

Simon.

Name: Simon.
(Beard) Age: This one is a month.
Do you miss your chin? No. Not at all.
Beard grooming routine: I just trim the moustache to keep it away from my mouth. The wine tastes better that way. 

Today, four Yarra valley winery tastings in, I discovered Simon at the back of a cask room. Simon is a wine maker at Oakridge…and what a fine vintage he is. His beard had an aroma of damsons, leather and vanilla with a faint note of oak. I don’t know about his palate.

It was harvesting time at the vineyard, so after a behind the scenes tour we left the lads to it. Only, we didn’t exit the yard so smoothly. Distracting the car-full of beard admirers by passing my camera around zoomed into the above capture’s chin fur, the driver scratched the car down a metal cask cradle, to the hilarity of the watching wine makers. The lesson here is don’t beard spot and drive.

Andrew.

Name: Andrew
(Beard) Age: 2-3 years.
Do you miss your chin? No, this helps me out. It’s the family curse to have a double chin. 
Beard grooming routine: Oh, you have to shampoo. Not so much condition, but shampoo, every other day. 

Here we have the second grower in a row whose chin-piece hides what lurks beneath. I nodded sympathetically as Andrew mentioned his genetic jawline, knowing full well I’d been sat up at 1am the night before, trawling through all 1,029 of  my Facebook pictures to find out when my own jowls had slackened (2009). I told Andrew I wish I could grow a beard too…

Anyway, on that belter, I parted company with Andrew and sat back down with my lunch companions a few feet away. Whilst they happily chattered on, I suddenly became incredibly distracted by Andrew’s shoes. Holy moly, this guy had dream boots on! Brown, leather, a bit of a buckle… And there like an asteroid out of space, the realisation hit me on the chin(s), bearded men have excellent taste in footwear. I bet you can spot some follicles with fancy footwork on your lunch break today.

Jamie.

Name: Jamie
(Beard) Age: Born with it.
Do you miss your chin? Can’t even remember what a chin is.
Beard grooming routine: None.

Ladies and gents, what we have here is the site’s first Integrity Beard. These growers are a fascinating subset with true focus and a dedication to the life of bearding. Often referred to as ‘Organic growers’ or even ”Heirloomers’, they sniff at a the recent resurgence of sprouting chins. These guys do it Stonehenge style. Look into Jamie’s eyes and you will see the tedium with which he regards my childish enthusiasm for beards. And of course, as with any Integrity Beard, a grooming routine is a laughable concept. I felt like a dick for asking. This isn’t fashion, this is a mindset.

It’s very  likely that Jamie will never see his chin again.

Alfredo.

Name: Alfredo
(Beard) Age: One month….it’s very fast growing.
Do you miss your chin? No!
Beard grooming routine: No rules. Just do it. 

I’ve encountered huge swathes of prejudice against covered-cheeked men in the 78 hours since Daily Beard was born. It seems the Great Unbearded so oft take the standpoint of ‘never trust a bearded man’. What folly! Must I remind you that it was not a beard that Hitler chose to make his face-statement with?

Thankfully I don’t have to resort to Hitler chat, because instead I have the wonderful Alfredo here to restore the warm, hairy glow. No need to be afraid-o when Alfredo is around; for what a gemstone he was. Look into those eyes and remember that beards belong on Santas, not Hitlers.

*It hasn’t escaped my beardar that Harold Shipman was indeed a grower. But I am 73% sure that he had a real care-giving phase before he went and got all mass murder-y.

Liam.

Name: Liam
(Beard) Age: This one has been going since November, but before that I had a four year old. 
Do you miss your chin? Definitely not.
Beard grooming routine: No rules, just keep it tidy around the edges. 

To snap Liam’s face-growth I bolted across Little Bourke street without checking for traffic, which serves to highlight the dangers I’ll go to to bring you beard. Luckily, once I’d coerced Liam into a safe laneway, he was a charming chap and well worth risking my life to capture his hirsute chops. Thanks Liam!